And then there is an increasing number of women who find themselves in a unique category -- half a nest. The older children have left, but there are still younger children nesting at home, albeit on a 9 to 5 school schedule. These moms who may be in the throes of a job, be committed to elderly parents, or have new duties as a grandmother suddenly find they face more demands and higher expectations than ever before.
They need to deal with new pressures while needing to spend time with their younger children. But the problem isn’t only time. These parents are confronted with the reality that some of the child-rearing methods they had used in the past no longer serve in good stead.
We middle-aged moms reflect on the contrasts between the ways we raised our older children, compared to the younger ones. We wax sentimental about a more innocent era when one-on-one conversation with our children was the standard fare in communication. As younger moms we were able to devote the lion's share of our time to our toddlers. Story time, game playing, long talks, leisurely car rides, and trips to the amusement park all seemed so effortless. The words "quality time" were not even a part of our vernacular.
Now, however, it appears that we are left with quite a different parenting scenario. Due to our increased responsibilities and material needs, we find ourselves on mental overload -- we are riddled with guilt that we can no longer parent with the same degree of attention that we had for the older children.
So how does the middle aged mom grapple with all this? How does she balance the obligations she has outside of the home and her paramount function of being the best mother possible to her younger children?
The famed psychologist Eric Erikson defined human development as a product of the interaction between the individual and the demands and expectations of the society. Middle-aged moms are smack in the middle of this, and we often feel crushed
Once, a married daughter, noticing her mother giving a whole Popsicle (with two sticks) to her youngest sibling, commented, “Mom, when we were growing up you always gave us just a half a popsicle." Her mother turned to her and said quietly, "When you were growing up, you had a whole Mommy.”
The key to navigating the difficulties of middle-aged parenting is awareness.
For example, we have to be aware that there are times when communication must be monitored, especially for younger children raised with older siblings. They are constantly in earshot of adult conversations, and often absorb subject matter that is far beyond their emotional grasp. Whether it be the problems in a marriage, financial concerns, details of a pregnancy, or worries over the physical condition of a grandparent, the younger child is caught in the middle and naturally demands explanations. As parents we feel an obligation to explain and let them into our adult world, but we end up adultifiying our younger children. A big mistake!
Research indicates that deep down, children don't want to be treated as adults, no matter how much they may say they do. They feel more secure and loved when they know that they are children and that their parents are the adults who are in charge. When too much power and control is handed to a child, it frightens him because his parents have seemingly relinquished their role as protectors. It is important for parents to be aware that whatever else is going on, the younger children should be allowed to have their childhood.
Mothers also must be aware that time brings along change. She cannot be the mother she once was, but she can still be a very effective role model. She can still try to make time spent with her children a top priority, knowing that it acts as a buffer against children developing a sense of alienation. Make it a goal to have some family dinners during the week. So many important details of children’s daily lives -- their worries, interests and problems -- come to the fore. Whether you eat or just sit with them is irrelevant. Communication is the key, the more often the better.
As we ponder the tremendous responsibilities that we have as mothers, we must always see the complete picture. While we must be present for our children, work to build their self-esteem and teach them to behave according to solid values, we have other roles, too. We must be a caring wife to our spouse, a good daughter to our parents, a concerned and loving sister to our siblings, and a devoted aunt to our nieces and nephews. It is irrelevant whether we are stay-at-home moms, moms who work from home or moms who leave the home to go out to work.
It’s a tall order, to be sure.
But we’ve been doing it throughout the history of humankind.
Rivki Jungreis MS.Ed, LCSW is a psychotherapist specializing in play therapy and self-relations therapy.
