They scream and yell at the table, fight, reach across other people's plates for food, spit, and even throw food! And their parents barely say a word! We're such close friends with the parents that I don't want to make waves, but how do I handle this?
-- Boiling Mad
Kerry says:
Dear Mad,
I would suggest one of three things. Option 1: Tell your friend that because the kids (not necessary to point out it’s only hers) get rambunctious, why don’t the adults have dinner alone from now on; so whose ever turn it is to bring the kids, will instead hire a babysitter, and whoever is serving will feed the kids in advance. Option 2: Go out to dinner -- after all, you are adults and you don’t want to always have adult conversations in front of your children (and I bet the children don’t much care for it, either). Option 3: Tell your friend you think it’s a better idea for the kids to eat together at a separate table and in the kitchen so you can enjoy each other’s company in peace.
Jacqueline says:
Dear Mad,
The truth is, there is not much you can do when your friends raise brats; maintaining your friendship with your friends can often be hindered by them. The "who raised these kids?" syndrome will invariably continue to the end of time. If you tell your friends that they are not raising their kids right, it will invariably end up in a fight and end your friendship. It's just not worth it. I would take some of Kerry's suggestions, especially the last. Have the food-throwing youngsters sit at another table -- another room, even. Make general announcements to all the kids like, "Okay troop, food stays on the table tonight" to open up the eyes of the parents that it is not okay to have a food fight in your home.
Dear Twins,
My sons are 5 and 9. My 5-year-old is very sensitive and absolutely adores his big brother. He follows him around and tries to do everything his big brother does. Unfortunately, my 9-year-old doesn't want to give him the time of day, because he's "just a baby." This, of course, makes my 5-year-old cry. There are other 5-year-olds in our neighborhood, but my son only wants to be with his big brother. It's a vicious cycle, and I don't know how to break it. My 5-year-old should be playing with kids his own age, and his big brother should be a little more caring, don't you think?
--- Baffled
Kerry says:
Dear Baffled,
The best you can do is to encourage your 5-year-old to do the things he enjoys doing. You and your husband can participate if you’d like. Also, make play dates with his other classmates. By inviting his friends over to play or taking your son to his friends’ houses, over time, will get him in the habit of playing with children his own age. Yes, your 9-year-old could stand to be a little more patient, but he’s a kid, too, and shouldn’t have to spend all his free time playing with his little brother. Who knows, maybe if your 9-year-old notices how much fun your 5-year-old is having, he’ll feel like joining in. But by forcing him to do so only perpetuates the vicious cycle.
Jacqueline says:
Dear Baffled,
The worst thing you could do is force the oldest to play with the youngest. It would just create animosity and give him a reason to reject his brother even more. Eventually they will BOTH grow out of this, so don't worry yourself. Kerry's advice is sound. I suggest you follow it.
Dear Twins,
Recently my husband and I invited three other couples over for a sit-down dinner on a Saturday night. Two of the couples we knew very well, and the third couple had just moved into our neighborhood, so we thought it would be a nice way of getting acquainted. When I had called the third couple to invite them, I invited the wife and husband, said it would be a late dinner, and to arrive at 9 p.m. -- we would have cocktails before dinner. Well, everyone arrived at 9, but to my astonishment, the third couple brought their two boys, ages 7 and 9. I didn't know what to say, and I wasn't prepared for children! My OWN children were in bed, and these two go rushing into their bedrooms trying to awaken them. It became a madhouse, and the dinner was a fiasco. What should I have done?
----- Angry
Jacqueline says:
Dear Angry,
Why on Earth people would assume to bring kids to a late dinner is beyond me. Maybe they assumed that since you have your own kids, theirs would be welcome. Whatever the case, when they show up at the door with them, there is not much you can do. The polite thing to do would be to allow the boys to join you. Let the parents know you weren't expecting kids, and hopefully what you are serving the kids will enjoy. To make a scene at this point, and ask them to leave would be far worse. But don't be a doormat either. Let their children know your kids’ bedrooms are off limits. Enjoy the evening and go with the flow. What's the point of being uptight? They may even become good friends of yours if you don't throw them out. However, the next time (if there is another) let them know it’s adults night only.
Kerry says:
Dear Angry,
I agree with Jacqueline. It's petty to still be stewing over the couple that brought their kids over for dinner. Aren't there more serious things to be worried about? Yes, they were thoughtless to bring their children, but you could have just ordered pizza for the kids and let them play by themselves in another room. If you decide to invite this couple again, let them know it's a dinner for adults only. Now stop sweating the small stuff!
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